Bleah

On days when I feel just crappy I find I notice with gratitude the things that
remind me of home...

1. Black Locust trees in bloom! No better smell, I swear. hhmm... I wonder if I can put one in a pot & keep it pruned enough....
hhmm....
2. Purple iris Pink & Sade brought me.
3. Jack & Julie's new kitten
4. PAYDAY!!!!! Oh thank heaven!
5. Pepsi Throwback. Dad would be so happy!
I may just have to change my drink of choice.

Happy & Grateful

1. The boy that makes her sparkle. That he puts in the effort to treat her
with kindness & respect & doesn't make her cry.
2. My sweet daughter that fixes me muffins & ramen when I feel poorly.
3. The Quils... for when I feel poorly & lose my voice...
4. Time chatting with the great people I work with.
5. Sweet velvet Klo - her dorito smell, how good she is to ride in her new carseat
& her solid little body cuddled up with me.

Gratitudes

I keep a gratitude journal.
Not as faithfully as I'd like.
I don't like to write.
I don't like my handwriting.
So... I'm going to try it here.
Maybe I need a totally different blog for this,
I guess I'll try it & see.

1. A best friend who comes to my rescue every time.
I am grateful with every breath that you are my person!
2. A friend who let me know I'm not dead.
3. My lawnmower. On at least it's 3rd year - and this year it starts and runs without
even having to go see my wonderful lawnmower dr.! I always have loved mowing the lawn!
4. My friend, Tom. He has added so much to my days at work.
I couldn't bear to say good-bye. I'm going to miss him every day.
5. My favorite episodes of Gunsmoke! No wonder I have such a thing for big men!

Year of the Races - GO GIRL!!!

Sorry LaLa...No vampires for me...
THIS is what takes my breath away!!!



What incredible, gorgeous, SEXY creatures!!!






RACHEL ALEXANDRA - the first fillie to win the Preakness in 85 years!!!
The only thing better than Mine That Bird taking the Triple.

On to the Belmont!!!!

Grandma's Iris

OH! Look what I have!
Last time I saw this I was in Grandma's garden with her.
Iris were her favorite.
Thank you, Grandma! I miss you!

Underdogs...

I'll choose the underdog every time, I'm also not much for the races,
but WOW!!!
This is the most amazing race I've ever seen.
May be the most amazing race I'll ever see.
What a story.
The jockey is 42 with only an 8th grade education.
Mine That Bird is small & has crooked legs...


That is the heart of a champion!

Beltane

Instead of celebrating by wrapping colored ribbons around a May Pole
(besides - we want no symbols of fertility around this house!!!)
I celebrated by wrapping my gorgeous daughter in a rainbow of prom dresses!

And then... (drumroll............)

THE ONE.....

Tomorrow....

The shoes!!! (aaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Meadowlark Day!!!!!

It finally got here!!!! I must admit I was beginning to worry.
I wondered where all the meadowlarks had gone. Even when I took
Pink out driving - no meadowlarks.

(also no fear & screaming - she did an *excellent* job!)
Today - the last day of April - MEADOWLARKS!!!

To celebrate Lorinda, Sheryl & I went for margaritas while Nathan & David went to Uncle Ron's. hehehe...
I had my first ever margarita. (Sheryl's response was "What the hell is the matter with you?!?!?!) Then I tried a blackberry - & then a coconut. Yes, I discovered that margaritas are indeed magical. For the first time in almost 9 months I experienced fun, laughter & a long stretch being out of the pain. It was *incredible* We acted up disgracefully. It was *marvelous*!!!

Welcome back sweet little meadowlarks!

Happy Mother's Day...

I will be SO relieved when I can no longer think 'last year'...
There are just no words for how glad I'll be when 'last year' no longer matters...

My last few birthdays have been challenging. Many decades ago I learned
of a Swedish tradition of gifting your mother on your birthday. Made sense to me!
Who did all they work, after all?! So for a great many years I acknowledged
my birthday by honoring my Mom - even if it was simply sending her flowers
or a card. It was always helpful that Mother's Day cards come out right
about the same time!

Especially today, after this year - on my birthday - I miss my Mom...so much.
I am so profoundly grateful for the life she gave me. The life she continues to
provide me. & I just miss her more than ever today - with every breath I take -
with an ache so deep that I just can't hold back the tears.

Here's to you, Mom! Happy Mother's Day! (Mom & Zoann - all 11 lbs 2 oz, April 22, 1960, 7ish p.m, 4 hours old)

This year is strange & ever more challenging. In my adult life, I've never
had a birthday where plans weren't made by my mate. But today, I continue
to receive an incredible outpouring of love & caring from so many people I love.
It was hard to get me on the phone today - because undoubtedly I was already
on the phone. So many people stepped up for me today. I feel so blessed.
SO grateful...
My kids - my amazing & wonderful kids all stepped up for this Mom today.
From the moment I woke to Pink singing happy birthday - until the moment I roll
(after *such* dinner & cheesecake) into bed tonight - my kids are pouring their
love & appreciation over me.

There is a whole world of comfort & grateful here tonight!!!

Some things I've learned about me...

So far...

1. I like having my bed made. So I make it. Every morning.

2. I keep a *much* cleaner house than I ever thought I would on my own.

3. I do not enjoy going to movies by myself.

4. But videos at home alone with Klo are *great*!

5. I love the gatherings.

6. I love the solitude. (not such a great surprise in that)

7. I don't take baths as much or as long as I used to.

8. I get up earlier than I ever thought I would.

9. One of the biggest surprises is how girlie my bedroom & bathroom have turned out to be...
& how much I like it that way.

10. I really can keep - or get rid of - anything I want to.

11. I'm still discovering the surprising choices I can make without fear of disapproval or
criticism.

12. I *love* not sharing a checkbook.

13. I have basically *no* tolerance for drama.

14. I totally enjoy taking walks with Klo. Even in the snow.

15. I'm good with quiet. I often 'forget' to turn on the radio or TV. Amazing...

16. & I really just enjoy being "a committee of one".

Stay tuned - I'm sure there's much more to come....

More fun at Auntie Z's

I find nothing warms my world more than a spontaneous gathering
of people I care for at my house.

When my Nathan called today telling me his Dad would be looking for him
- I felt a gathering comin' on!

Boy, oh boy! Or shall I say *boys*!

David did, indeed, call wondering how to find Nathan. I said, of course,
"Come on over".

The arrival on David + 4. (Andy, Bob, Jeremy & Veronica)

Shortly, the arrival of Justin.
Next came Hope, Nathan & Gabe.

I already had Pink & Sade.
For a total of 12 of us!

Dinner at Golden Corral was the only place I managed to corral everyone for a picture.




Then Pink & I came home - put our feet up in a boyless house, while the rest went swimming in the pool at the hotel where David & crew were staying. I guess it was a *splash*!

Things that say *home*...

Spring is coming!!!

My bulbs are coming up!
Excitement abounds!!
I've never planted bulbs before.I was never quite sure I'd be there to see them come up.This spring - the bulbs Pink & I planted last fall - - are coming up!!!!The security of knowing I'll be here to see them come up.
Creating a wonderful family picture wall.
Unpacking all the boxes.
Taking the lilacs out of pots.
Thinking about how to fix the shed floor.Buying address labels!!!
Wondering if I'll need to buy a new furnace before next winter.
The frequent gathering of the ones I love best.








I'll be here long enough to finally see my Grandma's iris' bloom!

All these - and more - make my soul go 'ahhhh, home'.

Giving Thanks

It has been a most incredible time.

A time of extreme emotions.

A time of extreme gratitude.

A time of extreme sorrow.

I was surrounded by family & great love.

Yet I ached for the love not there.

How could he ever possibly choose to be anywhere but here....

How could anywhere be better than this?

Potty talk...

Ok - I just can't stand it anymore.

One of my fondest memories is of Pink at about.... 4ishorso...
She went into the stall at whatever women's restroom we were at -
& came out just totally terrorized.
Ok - - that does tell you too much about my mothering...
The toilet was the first self-flushing one either of us had ever encountered. I wondered if she'd ever use a public toilet again, but being the strong, trooper that my daughter is - I only had to assure her for several years that 'no- this is not one of the toilets that will try to eat you'.

Now - that brings me to my current potty problem.
There are two - yes - two toilets at work that I'm having issues with.
I mean - REALLY! What is with these toilets that flush when you breath - giving one what I can only imagine is a poor imitation of a bidet - but then it won't flush when you get up?!?!?! No amount of jumping, dancing, spinning cussing or pounding that stupid little button makes any difference.
It's downright humiliating...

I'm being outsmarted by toilets.

Good Family ~ Good Friends ~ Good Therapy

There is no better therapy than time spent with good family & good friends.

I simply cannot tell you how grateful I am for the family & friends
that are holding me up & pushing me forward right now.

They give me poems that remind me...

Procrastination

Through the long years, I've thought many times
of leaving - - getting out.
In my own mind, I've sworn I'd pack
next Monday, or payday, or when school is out,
after the holidays, for sure.

I've told myself I cannot stand
any more hurts,
nights of waiting,
name calling,
threats,
& veiled hate on both sides.

I'll be cool & calm, refuse to fight,
till I can go.

But time & again
my fickle heart betrays me,
& I wake up each anniversary
& find myself
still here.

Things that say:
Martha Stewart does NOT live here!

&

Explain to me again why I need a man

&

There are days
I drop words of comfort
on myself like falling rain
& remember it is enough
to be taken care of by my self.

&

Just when the caterpillar thought her world was over....
She became a butterfly

They give me words of encouragement & comfort -
We can do this - You can do this
You'll be ok.
Once you get through this, you'll be better off.
You are already are better off.
I love you.
Keep breathing.
You only have to do today.
Some things don't need to be fixed, they need to be changed.
They call him names.
They swear.
When I am broken, they carry my anger.
When I am furious, they carry my pain.
They say 'come on, lets get out'
They help me plan.
They help me dream.
They help me decorate.
They tell me to forgive.
They tell me to get mad.
They tell me it's all ok.
They tell me he'll regret this.
They help me see my life is not over.
They ask me - over & over how I am...
and they really want to know -
although I haven't had a good answer to that for months.
They give me their shoulders.
They give me their hugs.
They give me their homes.
They give me their hearts.

How blessed I am to have these beautiful people in my life!!
I could not survive this without them.
I wouldn't want to.

In My Room...

It has been 31 years since I've had a room of my own
~ well ~

if sharing a room with Klo & Bob counts as my own...

It's really pretty cool.
I'm surprised how girlie it has turned out to be.

I got a bedspread that I've always wanted -

but I thought was too girlie for a couple's room.

I get to take up ALL the space -
everywhere - all the drawers - all the closets - all the dressers. I get the remote - the chair - the lamp - the TV - the tub - the shower - the toilet - the sinks & mirrors... and I get to foof it without regard to what anyone else may or may not like because Klo likes anything I like
& Bob complains about everything anyway. Pretty dang amazing.

I love the feel. I love the smell. I love the light.

Sometimes I wonder why there are even other rooms at all... Then I remember...
so the other people in the house won't be sharing MY room!!!!

A Better Blog

ENOUGH bitching for the moment!

Let me do a better blog....
WOW! There's an idea!
Let's talk about my house!

I *love* my house!



With the help of a wonderful friend -
my own personal Martha Stewart (who I *hate* -
but I don't hate my friend), we are creating a
wonderful space for my family.
We are having *so* much fun!!!



It is so nice to look forward to coming home. I look forward to getting the next room 'done'. I look forward to establishing a routine that doesn't include unpacking. A routine that does include more real-life cleaning, more reading, more movies & a fire in the fireplace, crocheting & making a recipe book. I'm even excited to start working on *all* boxes in the storage shed
until I'm self-contained! I'm excited to have friends & family
come see my new home. It feels so nice to use those words.
My. Home.



I'm considering a housewarming party where people don't *bring* gifts - the requirement is that they *take* something!




I am anxious to move forward in this place. My space.
I look forward to being through all this darkness & pain
- into a healthy, whole & happy life on my own.
May it be so.