Giving Thanks

It has been a most incredible time.

A time of extreme emotions.

A time of extreme gratitude.

A time of extreme sorrow.

I was surrounded by family & great love.

Yet I ached for the love not there.

How could he ever possibly choose to be anywhere but here....

How could anywhere be better than this?

Potty talk...

Ok - I just can't stand it anymore.

One of my fondest memories is of Pink at about.... 4ishorso...
She went into the stall at whatever women's restroom we were at -
& came out just totally terrorized.
Ok - - that does tell you too much about my mothering...
The toilet was the first self-flushing one either of us had ever encountered. I wondered if she'd ever use a public toilet again, but being the strong, trooper that my daughter is - I only had to assure her for several years that 'no- this is not one of the toilets that will try to eat you'.

Now - that brings me to my current potty problem.
There are two - yes - two toilets at work that I'm having issues with.
I mean - REALLY! What is with these toilets that flush when you breath - giving one what I can only imagine is a poor imitation of a bidet - but then it won't flush when you get up?!?!?! No amount of jumping, dancing, spinning cussing or pounding that stupid little button makes any difference.
It's downright humiliating...

I'm being outsmarted by toilets.

Good Family ~ Good Friends ~ Good Therapy

There is no better therapy than time spent with good family & good friends.

I simply cannot tell you how grateful I am for the family & friends
that are holding me up & pushing me forward right now.

They give me poems that remind me...

Procrastination

Through the long years, I've thought many times
of leaving - - getting out.
In my own mind, I've sworn I'd pack
next Monday, or payday, or when school is out,
after the holidays, for sure.

I've told myself I cannot stand
any more hurts,
nights of waiting,
name calling,
threats,
& veiled hate on both sides.

I'll be cool & calm, refuse to fight,
till I can go.

But time & again
my fickle heart betrays me,
& I wake up each anniversary
& find myself
still here.

Things that say:
Martha Stewart does NOT live here!

&

Explain to me again why I need a man

&

There are days
I drop words of comfort
on myself like falling rain
& remember it is enough
to be taken care of by my self.

&

Just when the caterpillar thought her world was over....
She became a butterfly

They give me words of encouragement & comfort -
We can do this - You can do this
You'll be ok.
Once you get through this, you'll be better off.
You are already are better off.
I love you.
Keep breathing.
You only have to do today.
Some things don't need to be fixed, they need to be changed.
They call him names.
They swear.
When I am broken, they carry my anger.
When I am furious, they carry my pain.
They say 'come on, lets get out'
They help me plan.
They help me dream.
They help me decorate.
They tell me to forgive.
They tell me to get mad.
They tell me it's all ok.
They tell me he'll regret this.
They help me see my life is not over.
They ask me - over & over how I am...
and they really want to know -
although I haven't had a good answer to that for months.
They give me their shoulders.
They give me their hugs.
They give me their homes.
They give me their hearts.

How blessed I am to have these beautiful people in my life!!
I could not survive this without them.
I wouldn't want to.

In My Room...

It has been 31 years since I've had a room of my own
~ well ~

if sharing a room with Klo & Bob counts as my own...

It's really pretty cool.
I'm surprised how girlie it has turned out to be.

I got a bedspread that I've always wanted -

but I thought was too girlie for a couple's room.

I get to take up ALL the space -
everywhere - all the drawers - all the closets - all the dressers. I get the remote - the chair - the lamp - the TV - the tub - the shower - the toilet - the sinks & mirrors... and I get to foof it without regard to what anyone else may or may not like because Klo likes anything I like
& Bob complains about everything anyway. Pretty dang amazing.

I love the feel. I love the smell. I love the light.

Sometimes I wonder why there are even other rooms at all... Then I remember...
so the other people in the house won't be sharing MY room!!!!

A Better Blog

ENOUGH bitching for the moment!

Let me do a better blog....
WOW! There's an idea!
Let's talk about my house!

I *love* my house!



With the help of a wonderful friend -
my own personal Martha Stewart (who I *hate* -
but I don't hate my friend), we are creating a
wonderful space for my family.
We are having *so* much fun!!!



It is so nice to look forward to coming home. I look forward to getting the next room 'done'. I look forward to establishing a routine that doesn't include unpacking. A routine that does include more real-life cleaning, more reading, more movies & a fire in the fireplace, crocheting & making a recipe book. I'm even excited to start working on *all* boxes in the storage shed
until I'm self-contained! I'm excited to have friends & family
come see my new home. It feels so nice to use those words.
My. Home.



I'm considering a housewarming party where people don't *bring* gifts - the requirement is that they *take* something!




I am anxious to move forward in this place. My space.
I look forward to being through all this darkness & pain
- into a healthy, whole & happy life on my own.
May it be so.

cry

Most days I no longer cry on the outside.

Today was not one of those day.

But will there ever be a day when I don't cry on the inside?

Would someone else call this progress??

the poem

My amazing daughter has written the most incredible poem.

It's called "Broken Love" & speaks of my life as it has been
the last 10 weeks with such compassion & insight.

This is her poem:

Broken Love

This entry is a tribute to the broken-hearted
The trampled on, the stompled on,
the hurt, and the cheated.

Those fighting the fight
for normalcy, for sanity.
Struggling against the painful beat
of the life-support.
To those dazed and confused,
time passes quickly.
Those who've lost their footing,
lost their harmony.
To those who hail from broken love,
the ones trying to break the chain.
to unmemorize the memories,
The unwanted, the replaced.

To all those trying not to make connections
with every single thing,
Those trying to find their melody,
remember how to sing.
Those trying to get out of bed each morning
without falling on the floor.
Those who can't catch their breath anymore.

You will be free.
You will survive.
And you will thrive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to make it into a page - frame it & hang it somewhere
that I will see it all the time.

Too many dreams of him - I wish they'd stop. I'd make much
more emotional progress without them.

Too many sad days.

I need the frequent reminder that not only will I survive -
I will *THRIVE*.

Thank you, Pink!!!

Beginnings

My darling daughter tells me I should start a blog. I don't know why.
Why should I blog? I'm not a great writer. I'm not witty. My life is pretty dull.
Painful & dull. I mean really - I process government documents & like it...
But she says I should - so maybe I'll give it a whirl.
Besides, I'm told that writing is good for what ails you.
That's a good enough why, because at this point I'll try anything.
Maybe it will help heal me in this time of painful new beginnings.
Besides - it's another reason to avoid doing dishes, right?

But for now - it's approaching midnight. I need to try to sleep.
Maybe for once ~ a dreamless sleep.
I'll think about this blogging thing some more tomorrow.